


Shadows of the Past

by idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec (GoodFinderBadger)



Series: Tarlos Tumblr Prompts [1]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Gun Violence, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, TK Strand is a good boyfriend, Whump, carlos needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25061044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodFinderBadger/pseuds/idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec
Summary: Carlos runs into an ex on a bad call and it sends him into a spiral about his past.  Luckily for him his boyfriend knows all about darkness and is there to help him see some light.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Michelle Blake & Carlos Reyes (9-1-1 Lone Star)
Series: Tarlos Tumblr Prompts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1815094
Comments: 5
Kudos: 150





	Shadows of the Past

**Author's Note:**

> Hey this was prompted on Tumblr as Carlos crying on the floor of the shower. It's a dark fic with Carlos having a pretty dark past. I got inspired by comablog2 on tumblr by her post about Carlos's ex boyfriend so I made my own twist on it. Hope you guys like it and if so consider leaving a comment!! 
> 
> Happy Reading :)

It’s always the last call of the day that ends in disaster. 

Carlos could have ignored the call over the radio since he was off shift in another twenty minutes, but he decided to go help with the call after a gunshot was reported at a residential place. TK was with his dad for a while anyways so he wasn’t in a hurry to get home to an empty house. He got in his cruiser and followed instructions to what looked like a perfectly innocent house. He was out of his cruiser and to the front door in seconds, pounding loudly and announcing police presence. The door was unlocked so Carlos pulled his gun and slowly walked into the shadows of the house. Adrenaline rushed through him as nothing but silence met his ears as he gazed around the open concept living room and kitchen. Nothing at all seemed out of place, but Carlos knew something sinister had happened here tonight. His heart pounded as he called out again his position with the Austin Police. He took a slow, careful step down the wood paneled hallway when an image from his nightmares stepped out of the master bedroom on the left hand side. 

The moon was the only light in the house and the man was covered in shadows as he stumbled into the wall. Carlos could smell the whiskey from here as it seemed to fill the air like an awful cologne. Green eyes caught his and instantly Carlos knew who it was he had caught tonight. Those eyes haunted him even years after he had last seen them, especially in combination with that maniacal grin. 

“My little latino doll came to join me,” Nathan Cadbury drawled lazily as he leaned against the wall. Carlos could see he was covered in blood despite the poor lighting, but that wasn’t what made his blood turn to ice and a band tighten around his chest. “I heard you became an upholder of the law after all. How nice of you to drop in.”

Carlos knew he should ignore the way blood rushed in his ears. He should arrest this man and have him on the ground already. He was dangerous yes, but also heavily intoxicated and he could have him on the ground in seconds if only his body would cooperate and stop being frozen to the spot. His gun slowly lowered to his side as he stood there taking in the man that he’d thought had ruined his life when he’d been only barely eighteen years old. He was the only monster Carlos had ever known, and he was the motivation to join up with the police academy. He had wanted to protect the world from people like him, and he’d horrendously failed. 

The door bursts open while the two of them stand there and Carlos tries to breathe through the panic response his body would always have in the presence of Nathan. The other man begins to laugh as other officers swarm in to arrest him and Carlos can’t look at any of them. He was the first officer here, but he hadn’t been able to do a damn thing. He slipped into the bedroom to get away from Nathan and felt himself sinking to the floor when his eyes rested on the body of a young latino boy sprawled lifeless on the mattress. He had been stabbed multiple times before being shot in the head. The gruesome murder isn’t what makes his stomach roll and his breathing quicken. The bruises on his skin were all too familiar, and the marks around his wrists in the shape of fingers were like looking into a mirror from ten years ago. Carlos had always thought he had deserved the way Nathan treated him. He had thought he had done something to earn his bruises and marks. He had told himself Nathan would never do things like this to someone else. 

He had been woefully so wrong.

He wasn’t alone long and somehow it felt like he was invisible as crime scene investigators came in to examine the body and the scene Nathan had created. 

“Carlos,” Michelle’s smooth voice reached him as he struggled to breathe. The paramedic team had likely been called to transport the body and pronounce the death. “I thought you were off shift.”

“It’s Nathan,” Carlos said to her, knowing she could understand the horror filling him and would be the only one to understand the reason he couldn’t move or even breathe. “They arrested Nathan for-for-”

“We need to get you out of here,” Michelle said without hesitation as she ran a hand over his hair and the touch helped to ground him. “You don’t need to be here. You can’t be here.”

“I c-can’t-” He felt his flimsy walls collapsing with his best friend here. Michelle was the only person who knew the true story between himself and Cadbury. He hadn’t been able to tell his mom even though they were close as could be. He hadn’t been able to tell anyone about that relationship. 

“Hey, you’re okay,” Michelle told him softly with a squeeze to his arm. “He’s being taken away for good, Carlos. He can’t hurt you.”

Carlos was using everything in his power to avoid a full blown panic attack as Michelle tugged him to his feet and they made it out into some cool fresh air. He unlocked his cruiser on autopilot, only wanting to get away from here. 

“You don’t really think you’re up to driving, do you?” Michelle asked as she cut in front of him to stand between him and the open door. 

“I want to go home,” Carlos couldn’t break down here in front of most of his colleagues. He would never live that down. His eyes were burning fiercely and all he wanted was a way to let these emotions out someplace safe. “Please, ‘chelle, I just need to go home and away from...all this.”

“Let me drive-” Michelle started but they both knew that wasn’t even a possible option. 

“You have a job to do,” Carlos told her as he nudged her out of the way so he could get into his car. “I can drive home just fine. TK is coming over tonight.” If he didn’t cancel which he was tempted to do in this kind of headspace.

“Text me when you get home,” Michelle ordered as she slowly stepped back from the car. “I mean it Carlos, text me. I’m coming over if you don’t, shift or no shift. I’ll call you later on.”

“I’ll text,” Carlos promised before closing the door and taking a shaky breath in before blowing it out slowly. He had to keep it together long enough to get home. Nathan didn’t matter anymore. He had grown so far past his abuser. He had put this all behind him long ago. Nathan was in jail now, or he would be once morning came at the very least. 

But that boy’s death was purely his fault.

Carlos had no idea how he got home safely since he couldn’t remember the drive home at all. He probably hadn’t been safe to drive, but being alone with something to do is the only way he was holding himself together. He was fooling himself to think he could hold this together. He didn’t need to break down. It wasn’t going to do anyone any good now. The past was the past and there was nothing he could do to change it. He made it until he stepped into the quiet shower with hot water pounding down on his back. Nobody was here to witness this and he had nothing to distract his mind from the whirling thoughts of seeing his abusive ex-boyfriend again. Nothing to take his mind off of the image of that bruised boy sprawled on the bed, beaten and shot. There had been so many nights Carlos had thought Nathan was going to kill him back when he was young. The man had an awful temper when he was drunk, and completely unpredictable. Carlos had let himself fall in love with a man he barely knew and it had led to bruises being hidden by long sleeves and clever lies. 

The first sob shook his frame harshly as he braced one hand on the shower wall and it felt like he was twenty years old all over again and trying to gather the courage to leave the toxic relationship he was in. Leaving Nathan had been the hardest thing he had ever done, and even back then he hadn’t had the courage to report him. He had simply begged any God that would listen for Nathan to leave him in peace. He had gotten his wish at the expense of someone else and that was unforgivable. 

His knees gave out as his body shook and he curled up helplessly sobbing on the floor of his shower where nobody could hear him or judge him for feeling the gaping would reopen once more. The steam wasn’t helping when he felt like he couldn’t breathe already due to the band around his chest tightening like a noose. It felt like he was going to suffocate with how hard he was sobbing and unable to catch a breath in between. If he died here he would deserve it for letting that young boy die. He was a coward and someone had paid the price for that. He had been too weak to speak up so someone had gotten hurt. He wasn’t the man everyone thought he was. He was thought of as a man to be looked up to and respected. He was thought of as brave and unshakable. 

Those things couldn’t be further from the truth.

“Carlos!” TK’s voice broke through as the water shut off hastily and Carlos had probably forgotten to even lock his door when he had gotten home. “Oh baby, it’ll be okay.” TK made to reach out to hold him, but Carlos flinched back without thinking. He didn’t deserve hands on him in comfort. He didn’t deserve to feel better. “Carlos, you need to take a deep breath before you pass out. You’re safe and it’s only the two of us here. Breathe with me, baby.”

“I-It’s my f-f-fault,” Carlos stuttered out in between gasping breaths. 

“Shh, Carlos take a deep breath, okay?” TK soothed him quietly as he knelt next to the shower patiently. “It’s going to be okay.”

“N-no!” Carlos protested. Things wouldn’t ever be okay again. How could they be when he was responsible for the death of another human being? He was sworn to protect others and uphold the law. What kind of officer broke half of that oath? He didn’t protect that boy from being murdered by a man that should have been in prison long ago. “I-It’s not okay. He’s dead and it’s not okay.”

“Look at me, honey,” TK said softly, rubbing him gently with a soft towel and it was helping ground him to the moment a little more instead of being caught up in being in that house. “Show me those beautiful brown eyes, okay?”

Carlos forced himself to focus on TK and saw how worried his boyfriend was about him. His green eyes showed concern and compassion as he knelt next to him. TK affectionately brushed his curls off his forehead with a towel as he gave him a small smile. Carlos started to realize how cold he was now that his sobs were slowing down at last even if his breathing still hitched time and again. 

“Let’s try to get up and dry off, okay?” TK offered as he held out a hand and stood. Carlos wasn’t really ready to leave the sanctuary of the shower, but his knees were cramping up and aching by now, not to mention he truly was freezing enough to start to shiver. The moment his hand touched TK’s the tears came full force again and he found himself wrapped around his boyfriend in an instant. TK didn’t even bat an eye at the fact that he was soaking wet and naked, but simply wrapped him in his arms tightly and murmured assurances in his ear. Carlos tucked his face into TK’s neck and sobbed openly like his entire world was ending in this moment. 

It took a few minutes, but eventually his cries faded to soft whimpers and TK had wrapped the towel around him to help keep him warm. Carlos felt embarrassed to have cried like that in front of TK, but he also felt a sense of relief that the horror and grief of the day had been released. 

“I’m sorry,” Carlos’s voice was absolutely wrecked and he winced at only the sound of it. 

“No need to apologize,” TK told him with a small, sincere smile and a kiss to his forehead. “I’ll get you some clothes and you can climb into bed. Then I’ll get you a cool glass of water, okay?”

Carlos nodded and gazed at his feet in embarrassment. He hadn’t lost it in front of someone in a long, long time. TK shouldn’t have had to see that. The man had enough problems to deal with of his own. He didn’t need a boyfriend falling apart over something that had happened years ago as it was. 

“Arms up, love,’ TK held out his favorite yellow hoodie for Carlos to slip on and he felt his heart melt in gratitude. The smell indicated home and it made him feel safe, warding off the chill he felt as soon as Nathan’s silhouette shone in the moonlight. He felt hands come up to gently cup his face. “Are you alright? Michelle was worried when she called me.”

“She called?” Carlos sighed and knew his best friend had the best of intentions. “What did she tell you?”

“She said I needed to hurry home. She said you needed me because of a bad call you went on at the end of your shift. I… I’ve never seen you like that.” TK’s sweet face was tight with worry, but Carlos couldn’t force himself to hold his gaze. He knew TK had questions and that it might help to tell someone else about what was going on. He doubted this case was one that would fade with the night. He would likely be having nightmares from his past and this wasn’t something he could hide when TK practically lived with him. 

“You aren’t the only one that’s been through a nuclear bad break up,” Carlos tried to smile a bit to show TK he wasn’t completely broken. “I ran into an ex today on my last call.”

He saw the flashes of insecurity on TK’s face and for a minute his tears were interpreted as something entirely different. TK was never said to be anything but brave as he kept his gaze and fought past the insecurities. “Yeah? How did that happen?”

“Well,” Carlos ran a hand over his curls and had to get under the covers to pull them up to his chin. “He was the murderer we were arresting.”

“Oh fuck,” TK said immediately as his eyes widened and he slowly came around to sit next to him on the bed. Carlos could have laughed if he didn’t feel torn apart and raw. He didn’t know how to hold the rest of this conversation. He didn’t know how to tell the man who thought he hung the stars and the moon that he hadn’t always been so strong and sure. He had seen something in TK when he had first come to Austin that had reminded him of himself ten years ago. He knew Alex hadn’t been as bad as Nathan, but he also knew the more he got to know TK that Alex had been far from nice. “Carlos I’m so sorry.”

“When I met Nathan,” Carlos had his hands clenched in the blankets and his voice was barely loud enough to be heard even in the quiet of their bedroom. “I never thought he was nice. He was jaded and drank too much and hated pretty much everyone. He was selfish all the time and took exactly what he wanted without regard to anyone else. I was young and he was incredibly attractive so I forgave the first dozen times he grabbed my wrist a little too hard.” 

“Baby…” TK said softly and reached to take his hand. Carlos squeezed his fingers in return, but he couldn’t look at his boyfriend or else he would never get through this.

“Eventually I was one of the only people he was civil to most of the time,” He squeezed his eyes shut as tears leaked from the corners. “I thought I was the one that was going to change him. The one that would soften the bad boy and all of that. He was my first boyfriend and I was desperate not to go back to being alone again.”

“I’m right here Carlos,” TK assured him softly and Carlos was nearly finished. The story was relatively short to tell, even if living it had been the longest two years of his life. 

“He waited until about eight months in before he started hitting me,” Carlos felt TK grip his hand tighter and heard his slight intake of breath. “By that time I was in love with him, or I thought I was. I was more or less living with him so my family had no idea he hurt me. Anyways, I convinced myself for another year that somehow I deserved it when he would punish me for not doing the dishes or for not having dinner ready when he got home. I thought I wasn’t good enough. I told myself it had everything to do with me and nothing to do with him.” Carlos wiped the tears off his cheeks and was thankful the hardest part to tell was over. “I eventually left him with Michelle’s support and help. She was the only person I told what was going on and she tried to convince me to go to the cops and tell them what had happened. She wanted me to report the entire thing and press charges. I was scared of him and told myself he would never hurt anyone else the way he did to me. “

“You were a kid still,” TK said with his voice shaking a bit and Carlos knew this was a lot to unload on another person. He had no doubt TK could handle his darkness, but it still made him feel insecure. “You were young and of course you weren’t ready to do all of that.”

“Someone is dead because I chose not to say anything.” He felt the shaking start again even as he said the words. “He found someone else to beat up for his amusement and eventually he killed someone. If I had said something then he -- he would… It’s all my fault.”

“Shh, no baby it isn’t,” TK was crying with him now and was done with having any space between them at all as he climbed into Carlos’s lap to wrap his legs around his waist as he hugged him tightly. Carlos tried to stop his sobs as they came back to the surface. He hadn’t told that story for ten years and it was one of the biggest regrets of his life. 

“I feel so awful,” Carlos told him amidst soft sobs. “That kid is dead because of me.”

“He’s dead because of the man who pulled the trigger,” TK told him firmly with a kiss to his forehead. “You were a kid and he hurt you. I’m just glad you got out of there when you did. Baby, I promise that you aren’t to blame in this.”

“I need to sleep,” Carlos knew the crying would never end until he had some rest and his brain had some time to process. 

"Can you sleep?" TK asked him softly. "I can make you some tea if you want." 

"Just want you to hold me. " Carlos felt a blush rising on his face at the simple and earnest request. 

"That I can do. " TK smiled at him gently and opened his arms for Carlos to crawl back into and cuddle close until his head was on TK's chest. "I love you baby, and I'm always going to be right here. I'm never going to hurt you. If that bastard wasn't already going to jail I'd be tempted to hunt him down. I'm sorry anyone ever hurt you that way. "

"Glad I have you now, " Carlos whispered sleepily as he felt TK rub circles on his back gently. The crying made him exhausted and it wasn't long before he could fall asleep in his lover's arms safe in the knowledge he would never be hurt again and he would always be loved. 


End file.
